Why do we need to self reflect?

This was the painful part. I am not a bad mum. I love my kids more than anything. They get everything they need, my house is clean, all the good mum stuff. When it comes to attunement, looking back through the eyes of another, I was not. I mentioned in a previous blog about kids needing the right environment for them to develop properly, and attunement is a big one.

I would imagine some of you have read my previous blog, have a child with ADHD, and thought, 'But there wasn't anything that bad in my life.' I would describe attunement as being there mindfully and emotionally. Gabor explains how babies only have one way of communicating, through body language and emotion, and just how sensitive they are to it.

If someone suffers from mental health, it's near impossible to be fully attuned to children. A good way to think is, what can you remember when your kids were babies? Where was your focus? I know with my first two, I don't remember much, and what I do remember is 90% bad memories. With my 3rd, I can only remember being happy. The memories of his smile, his facial expressions, his hair, the feel of his skin, and his smell. I never wanted to breastfeed my first two, but I so wish I did. There's no other bond like it.

Other things make it extremely hard to fully attune. Society being one. How many times have we had to put a baby in a pram crying because we have an appointment to get to? When bottle-feeding, they cry because they have to wait for it to be ready. When professionals advise us to do the controlled crying thing, if a baby is left crying, their emotional needs aren't being met. Can you honestly say that whenever your child gets upset, you try, without fail, to understand what's wrong before you carry on? I know I haven't.

A good example would be my second son, the most difficult. When he had the screaming fits, I couldn't do anything for him. In the eyes of my son, I'm supposed to be the one to take the pain away, but I simply couldn't. It wasn't my fault, but it was reality. When he got a bit older, I did the controlled crying; again, I wasn't there to take the pain away. Then he was forced to go to his dad's, I let him down again. Then it was being forced to go to nursery and then school. People telling me I just need to put my foot down or he just needs a good slap. I didnt slap him, but the pressure coming from other peoples opinions was not helpful. All of it resulted in escalation; the more I put my foot down, using consequences and incentives, giving choices, it just got worse and worse. This led to a complete breakdown in our relationship. I never attuned to his emotional needs, not intentionally, but it's true.

Society tells us to teach kids via consequences and rewards. They do it in schools, the government does it to us, workplaces do it; that's just the norm. When you bring a child up on a reward system, they grow up to only be motivated by rewards, never focusing on what they enjoy and who they truly are. The only consequences that work are the natural ones, like the ones they learn themselves. For example, jumping off the wall caused your leg to break, eating all the chocolate spread in one go meant you couldn't have a sandwich of it for lunch. When you dont allow them to make their own choices, they never learn to take responsibility for their own actions. Punishment just makes them fear being caught, never learning the ripple effect of their behaviour. All you can do is try to guide them, and be there for them when they fall. It's never helpful to say 'it's your own fault, I told you so!'.

Being attuned to children means you would inevitably have a very good relationship with them. A good relationship like a best friend. Best friends know when you're down; they feel it from you and read it in your body language. They go out of their way to try and help you because it hurts them to see you hurt. Best friends don't usually lose their temper with you, but if they do, they immediately apologize with sincerity. That is attunement. So, what's your relationship like with your kids? Are you your kid's best friend? Mine has been shocking; in turn, my son's behavior has also been shocking.

Gabor says you must put your long-term relationship above any short-term goals. When you don't have a good relationship with someone, you don't listen to a word they say. I wonder how much better kids would be at school if their teachers attuned to them. Stopped worrying about the short-term goal of wearing plain black shoes and concentrated on their relationship with the kids; how different it would be. I know when I was at school, we always listened and engaged more with a nice teacher. When kids are misbehaving, instead of punishment, try to understand what's wrong with them and support them. How different every aspect of life could be if we all lived by this rule, not just with kids but with each other.

All is not lost. We know these brains are just underdeveloped, so that means we can try and develop them. The next blog we will look at what we can do from now. My roads going to be really hard because there's so much damage. For the rest of you, the less damage, or should I say ingrained habit, the easier and quicker you should see results.

Thank you for reading, what we can do is just below...