I've picked out the starting points to really focus on from Gabor's book. There are detailed reasons in 'Scattered Minds,' explanations of how the brain develops, why kids and adults act the way they do; it's definitely worth a read. I just wanted to try and get the main pointers out there and a good place to start...

1. Your relationship needs to be your top priority.

If an attempt to achieve a short-term goal affects your long-term relationship, don't force it. You can still put boundaries in place, but there's no need to lose your temper over trying to get a child to comply.

2. Don't scare children with threats of punishment, praise how they feel.

When kids are scared of their parents, they may listen in the short term. Long term, however, they are highly likely to rebel in the future. When you praise how a child feels about something they did, instead of what they did, it builds self esteem.

3. Don't take misbehaving personally.

It would be wise to use the misbehaving as a sign that they need help. Try and understand the deeper meaning of why they are playing up. Are they hungry, tired, sad about something, etc.? You may find they just don't know how to communicate their feelings.

4. Expect that kids test boundaries; it's normal.

All kids go through phases of finding their independence. Let them find it. If their way doesn't work out, they will learn from their own choices.

5. Choose your battles wisely.

Sometimes it gets to be sticky when we want to put the relationship first, but maybe there is a health concern. Sometimes a battle is unavoidable, like making a child wear a seatbelt in a car. Just stay calm, explain the safety, and comfort them if they get upset. Evaluate each scenario as best as you can; that's all we can do.

6. Encourage kids to express their feelings.

Don't make comments, judge, or take offense to what kids are feeling. Try and be understanding and empathetic. They could be sad because a toy is red and not blue, which seems really stupid to an adult. To them, the feeling is real, just acknowledge, comfort, and keep your opinions to yourself.

7. Stay Calm.

We are only human with our emotions. There will be times where we struggle to stay calm. It's our job to set an example and be a role model for our kids. If you do happen to lose your cool, make sure you're the one to apologize and initiate contact again.

8. Focus on controlling yourself, rather than the child.

If you find it impossible to stay calm, it's time to accept you may need help. I definitely do. We need to accept that we cannot control anyone, except ourselves.

There is so much more information in Gabor's book. If you can read it, it will help you understand better than I can explain it. After reading the book, I realized I have a major problem controlling or regulating my emotions. I spoke to professionals to request some therapy, so I can learn some coping skills. CAHMS has a long waiting list; they only prioritize children who are self-harming. Luckily, mine aren't, so they advised me that social services can sort it. I asked my social worker, who told me they can't fund anything like that as they don't have any money. It was expected, I suppose. So I decided to buy a DBT workbook and thought maybe we can work through that together too? DBT stands for Dialectical Behaviour Therapy.

Shall we start our healing process? This brings me to my next blog...